Billie Eilish’s new documentary, Billie Eilish: The World’s a Little Blurry, provides followers an inside take a look at a 12 months within the lifetime of the younger pop star, as she ascended from viral sensation to bona fide world famous person.

“It’s quite a ride, that year,” director R.J. Cutler shared with ET, explaining how he and a minimalist crew embedded themselves with Billie and her household for over 140 days over the course of about one 12 months — and ended up monitoring her by means of the discharge of her massively profitable debut album, When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go?, all the way in which to GRAMMY night time, the place the album netted Eilish a sweep of the Recording Academy’s Big Four awards. 

“[For] every 17-year-old, your 17th year’s quite a ride,” Cutler famous. “But this one involved, you know, emerging as the voice of a generation, if not the voice of our time, and the burdens, responsibilities, privileges, opportunities that go along with that.”

The documentary does not draw back from the harder stuff, permitting Billie to open up about her love life, struggles with stardom and historical past with melancholy and self-harm. Here’s a take a look at what the singer shared with followers within the candid new movie.

Family Life

Along with touring the world and releasing multi-platinum hits, the doc provides an inside take a look at Billie’s surprisingly grounded house life — as Cutler defined, “There’s also, you know, the story of a very real girl in her 17th year.” The singer nonetheless lives in her childhood house in Los Angeles, with dad and mom Maggie Baird and Patrick O’Connell, and her older brother and musical collaborator, Finneas. 

Theirs has all the time been a musical family, Billie explains, along with her mother taking part in guitar, her dad instructing her to play piano and ukulele, and Finneas all the time there to harmonize. “Our family was just one big fkin’ song,” she quips early within the doc.

Even as she shot to success — first along with her in style debut single, “Ocean Eyes,” which unfold like wildfire throughout the web, and on by means of When We All Fall Asleep, Where Do We Go? — Billie nonetheless had typical teenage life to deal with, “graduating” early from on-line faculty, getting her driver’s license, and craving for freedom whereas nonetheless dwelling (and recording) in her childhood house.

“I don’t think it was particularly easy to have a crew around,” Cutler admitted. “The more the stakes rose, the more intense things got… But God bless [the family], they couldn’t have been more supportive.”

Creative Differences

Writing music with brother Finneas is how Billie has discovered her best success up to now, however that does not imply the partnership is all the time a simple one. At one level within the doc, because the siblings wrestle to finish the debut album, her brother admits he feels caught in the midst of the artistic course of.

“It feels like kind of a minefield to me, because I feel like I’ve been told to write a hit, but I’ve been told to not tell Billie that we have to write a hit,” Finneas shares. “And Billie hates writing songs in general, and is so woke about her own persona on the internet that I think she’s terrified of anything she makes being hated. I think her equation is that the more popular something is, the more hate it’s gonna get.”

Billie herself admits that she finds the songwriting course of a wrestle, even declaring that she’ll by no means full one other album after her debut. “I hate writing songs,” she tells her dad and mom throughout an emotional dialog about her artistic trajectory. “Every time that I’ve written a song that I actually like, I’ve hated the process.”

(Notably, in her November 2020 installment of Vanity Fair‘s “Same Interview,” Eilish mentioned she feels she’s gotten significantly better at songwriting during the last 12 months. “I feel so much more confident in my writing. I feel like I know myself better, I’m better at advocating my opinions and communicating and I think Finneas and I have just seriously gotten in the groove.”)

“Scratch a perfectionist and you’ll get that, a refusal to ever work again,” Cutler admitted with amusing. “Who among us, in a moment of peak intensity on a creative project or any project ever, who hasn’t said, ‘I’ll never do this again?'”

Struggles With Success

Once the album is out, and begins its reign on the charts, Eilish faces a wrestle of one other type: her need for fixed perfection in her performances and public persona, lest she hear about it from followers on-line.

“I can’t have one bad moment,” the younger performer displays after gritting her enamel by means of a backstage meet and greet, solely to learn how she was “rude” on Instagram the following morning.

“Billie Eilish is somebody who is incredibly demanding of herself,” Cutler shared of his expertise with the singer, “and she lives in a moment where, if you’re Billie Eilish, there are 77 million people on your Instagram feed, and there’s a lot that comes along with that… There are enormous opportunities and privileges and benefits and burdens and pressures and it’s complicated.”

Thankfully, Billie does have the fixed help of her household — mother Maggie admits within the doc, “I honestly don’t know how any artist of any age, on this kind of trajectory, is doing it without a parent, someone who loves you more than life itself. You can’t pay someone to do that.”

She additionally receives help from fellow artists like Katy Perry — who provides her help when the 2 meet at Coachella, “If you ever wanna talk, ’cause it’s a weird ride” — and Justin Bieber, who makes a degree to achieve out and share encouragement and love with Billie, who idolized him as a younger teen.

“Not many people experience the things that these guys do,” Cutler noticed. “That [Katy and Justin] both make it their business to say to Billie as she walks into that room, that very rarified territory, ‘Know that I’m here for you,’ I find that awesome.”

Pain and Harm

Some of Billie’s best struggles, nonetheless, have been along with her since earlier than the celebrity. In one of many doc’s many interviews, the teenager admits to “being really bad at taking care of my mental health.”

She struggles with the loneliness of touring life, the necessity to put others happiness earlier than her personal, and emotions of melancholy and nervousness that may influence all youngsters, not simply these on the worldwide stage.

“It’s a hard time for teenagers, I think,” mother Maggie observes. “People are like, ‘Oh, Billie Eilish’s music is depressing.’ It’s like, no, kids are depressed… There’s a lot to be depressed about right now.”

“If you’re a teenager, you’re dealing with parents probably who lived through the recession like us, who’ve been scared that they’re gonna lose their homes or have financial hardship,” she explains. “You’re living in a culture with an opioid epidemic and a drug epidemic. You’re facing, possibly, the destruction of the planet. You’re in a political climate that is terrifying, racist, hateful. It is a horrible time to be a teenager.”

There’s additionally the bodily ache of performing onstage, night time after night time, which creeps in as Billie continues on her European tour. Exhaustion exacerbates the tics brought on by her Tourette syndrome, and struggles with shin splints and an ankle damage deliver again unhealthy recollections of her misplaced ardour for dancing.

“Everything I’ve ever loved, I’ve had to quit,” she shares. “I used to dance, like, 12 hours a week, and then I got injured. I tore my growth plate in my hip. The bone separated from the muscle. It was the most depressing year of my life. I just laid in bed, I couldn’t move. Since then, I have not danced.”

There are darker recollections, too. As Billie approaches her 18th birthday, she admits she wasn’t positive it was a milestone she’d reside to see. She shares previous journals and painful poems scrawled on her bed room wall that chronicle her historical past with self-harm. 

“I was, like, 14 or 15, I had razors hidden in places, I had Band-Aids hidden in little corners of my room and I always had Band-Aids on my wrists,” Billie recollects. “I was literally locking myself in the bathroom and making myself bleed, ’cause I thought that I deserved it.”

For the singer, music has turn out to be the artistic catharsis that helps her converse to the ache — and it is turned out to be one of many issues that her followers respect most.

“People are always like, ‘It’s so dark. Have happy music.’ But like, I’m never feeling happy,” she admits. “So why would I write about things I don’t know about? I feel the dark things. I feel them very strongly. Why would I not talk about them?”

Lost Love

Some of essentially the most unexpectedly candid moments within the doc heart on Billie’s roller-coaster relationship with “Q,” aka Brandon Adams, aka rapper 7:AMP. While the pair share “I love yous” and often discuss on the cellphone, the connection is strained by Billie’s profession calls for and Q’s inconsistent conduct. (After Billie will get him tickets to her first Coachella weekend in April 2019, he blows her off after her huge set.)

Ultimately, because the doc carries on, the pair break up. “I just wasn’t happy,” Billie says, sharing that whereas she nonetheless loves Q, they did not need the identical issues and she or he was bored with attempting to “fix” him. “I don’t think you should be in a relationship super excited about things that the other person couldn’t care less about…. There was just a lack of effort, I think. I was like, ‘Dude, you don’t even have enough love to love yourself, you can’t love me. And you don’t.'”

“I do love him though, which is what made it harder,” she continues. “‘Cause I’m not over him. I didn’t find someone else, I didn’t stop having love for him. I just spent time away from him for a little bit and I was like, ‘Wow, I’m missing so much because I’m worried about you all the time.'”

In the years since, Eilish has mentioned in interviews that she is now fortunately single, however for Cutler, the highlight on the younger singer’s private journey was simply one other side of her life at that time, which was significant to showcase within the movie. 

“It was important to show all aspects of what she experienced as a young woman coming of age in this moment,” he mirrored. “Q was a big part of that. It was important to include, because it’s who she is.”

“This is the story of this particular young woman, who’s on a number of different journeys,” he added of the doc. “She’s on a journey with her art. She’s on a journey with her business. She’s on a journey with her mental health. She’s on a journey with her heart. She’s on a journey with her physical health. And she’s on a journey with her family.”

Billie Eilish: The World’s a Little Blurryis streaming now on Apple TV+. See extra on the doc within the video beneath.